a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
