Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
