In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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