she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
