I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
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EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
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Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize