Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
