Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
