I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
