I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
