fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
