doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
