i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
