The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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