Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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