you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
