Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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