Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
