We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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