omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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