im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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