So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
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