he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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