everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
he thought i was a dude.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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