I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I touched a dick in church today
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
