I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
