On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Randomize
