he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
