i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
