I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i may or may not be watching the land before time
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
