I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
