I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
