Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
