why didn't you poke me back
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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