he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
she smelled like a LAN party
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
