um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
