i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
