This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I need water and some morals
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
