i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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