he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
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