i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
she pinky promised me she was 18
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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