JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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