What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
