I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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