Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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