Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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