you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Randomize
