this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
