So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
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I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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