I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
