i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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