Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
