Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
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