Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
he quoted the bible to break up with me
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
