In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
