I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
