i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
