I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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