Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
