yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
